Magnolias and Mammaw

I have researched trees, and visited a local nursery, and have come to the conclusion (90%) that I am going to plant a Magnolia tree in the spring.

While I was contemplating over what type of tree to plant I realized I wanted one that bloomed. I love the smell and view of a tree in bloom. Granted they are beautiful like that for only a short time, but while they are in bloom they are the most beautiful things I have ever seen.

They kind of remind me of my life. I don't need to be flashy. I don't need to be patted on the back all the time. I love my job. I love that I am in the background making my boss look good. I love knowing that he relies on me day in and day out to keep him on track. But every once in a while... I get a chance to break out of the mundane and really shine. To show everyone that I am not just there... that I can make a splash too.

What do I do? I am an executive assistant. I am the "secretary" for the CEO. I say "secretary" because that is what outsiders see me as. My boss and I know different. When I took two and a half weeks off work for personal time and went back all I heard from everyone in the building was "Thank God you are back. Now he can get back to normal", "He was lost without you".
Even the other girl in my office said "There were days he would walk in here, look at your desk, sigh, and walk back out. I was beginning to get a complex!" and then we would laugh.
His wife saw me at an engagement the day I went back and she leaned over and said "Are you really back Abby?" I nodded and smiled. She said "Thank God! I couldn't stand another night of him telling me how much he missed you and couldn't wait until you got back and things got done".

I joke and use the line from My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding, where the mother says "He may be the head, but I am the neck. And the head will move whatever way the neck wants it to." (or something to that effect).

That is me. To outsiders I am just a tree. My boss is the one that matters. The one they want to get to see.
To those that know me and see me all the time I am that beautiful tree full of bloom. To others, depending on when/how they see me I am just a tree like any other.

So I knew I wanted to be/plant a blooming tree. As I walked around the nursery I saw a magnolia. I also saw Ash and Beech that interested me, but that Magnolia kept pulling me back. I came home and meditated on it a bit and as I thought about that Magnolia I saw my grandmother's face coming in and out of focus. My grandmother is dead, so I was not sure what the reason for seeing her was. After a while I realized why she was there when I saw her house in my mind.  She had two beautiful magnolia trees in the front yard.

I remember climbing in them when I was a child. I remember sitting under them and digging in the dirt with a spoon just to see what I could see. I remember playing in the leaves as I raked them, messing them up only to have to rake again. I remember watching the lizards crawl up them and the day I was brave enough to finally pick one up by its tail. I remember the katydids and their husks on the trees.  I remember the day I sat on the screened front porch and watched with her as the locus swarm came through.
I remembered having my Mammaw back with me because she and I were very close.

I was so excited when I learned that magnolias could grow up here in the northeast. My grandmother lived in Texas, a much warmer climate.

So unless something drastic changes... I will be planting a magnolia tree in the spring at the hospital where I work.

Random Coincidences

I have managed to have one of those <insert god(ess) singing> moments.

Although it seems I am having them more often of late. Maybe I am starting to just listen more.

I am going to start writing a book. Just a simple book, but a book that I would love to have right now for my journeys. I have no idea how to get it published or what to do with it once I write it, but I am sure I can figure it all out if it ever comes to that point.

What book? I am glad you asked..... The current title is 366 Days of Meditation.
It will be a very superficial list of ideas for a beginning Druid to meditate on. Some of us have never meditated before in our life. We have no idea what to even meditate about. My meditation for the last few days has circled around the "wouldn't a book to help me with this be nice" subject. This book will be the kind where you can open to any page and begin meditating on the subject listed. If you want to dwell a few days, be my guest. If not... move on to the next subject the following day.

I drew a yes/no spread today which told me that Yes I should write it and the timing was Autumn. <insert my cute face staring out the window realizing it is CURRENTLY autumn>

THEN I looked back over the last few days of drawings to circle back on them and they are all very positive about me moving forward with something confidently. And the last two (prior to today) were all Major cards (The Chariot yesterday and The Magician the day before). So whatever it is, its pointing me towards something big. 

Maybe its all coincidence..... but I am rolling with the flow. Because who knows... maybe life is made up of random coincidences and only those that listen to the coincidences are the ones that flourish! :)

A Different Approach

Ever get that feeling that you are being smacked in the heads by the powers that be? That was my life this weekend.

It started on Friday with my complaining to myself and all that listen that I haven't learned the Tarot fast enough. I started working with them about 2 or 3 months ago and I can't remember even a dozen of their meanings. I read the responses that I need to take my time and not try to push it, that Tarot is something that people spend a lifetime learning. I took a deep breath and went back to my studies.

I woke up Saturday morning and did my daily card drawing like I always do and got the Hanged Man. Ok... do a 180 on my outlook, avoid victim mentality. Didn't know why I got this card (already forgot about my tantrum the day before). But I wrote it down in my Tarot book of readings and went about my day.

That evening my step-daughter called and was in town from college and wanted to come visit. So she came over and we (her, the hubby, and myself) went out to eat. We decided while we were out we would go to the mall so he could return something. I sneaked into the book store because it always draws me like a moth to a flame every time I am near. I looked around the store and inevitably stopped at my one little tiny section of "Religion" that isn't chocked full of Christian books. This little section is mostly Wicca, but sometimes I find something interesting in it. I got to the second shelf and there it was. Tarot 101. It wasn't even in with the other books, it was pulled out and laying across the spines of other books. I picked it up and started to thumb through it. It teaches you the cards in a totally different way. And rather than just talk, it made me do homework and work with the cards, and pointed me in directions of what to do rather than letting me flail helplessly out in limbo. I bought that book faster then the hubby could complete his return across the hall.

I was so into this book yesterday that I didn't even remember to make my daily draw. I just opened my book to complete today's draw and see what my draw was for Saturday morning.

Do a 180. *smiles*

Take this one step further -
Wednesday - Slow and Steady
Thursday - Same Draw (Slow and Steady) - Clarifier - Hardwork Pays Off
Friday - Your Spritual Program Shows Results
(granted my books told me those meanings)
I always believed that I had to the learn the book meanings for each of the cards. I never took the time to look at the cards and figure out what they mean to me. That is purpose of Tarot, not recite someone else's meanings. It is for me to learn to communicate with them and have me hear/see what they are telling me.

Times like this I get chills and think... hey! My cards DO like me. And I can really do this, if I just quit trying to force the discussion and just sit back and listen...

Friends

It is amazing how fast one can make friends in this world of Internet. I can write my thoughts that in the old days would be hidden within a diary between my mattresses where nobody could read but me, now days we write on the Internet and allow people that we don't know into our minds and hearts.

The Internet is what brought me to one of my best friends. Playing an online game, talking to people, we were introduced. Now I couldn't imagine my life today if he wasn't in it. He was the one that we went to the metaphysical store for/with, where I saw the Druidcraft Tarot set. It made me come home and look on my Kindle for books on Druidry. That led me to downloading the Druidry Handbook, to which he and I discussed for a while that day. I had always been afraid, for lack of a better word, to announce that this is what I believed. He was ridiculed as a child and learned to hide it. It was like we were children the way we gushed over everything I was reading. Now here we are.... I have completed my initiation and he is going to soon. If we hadn't met, I wonder if either of us would have found the strength to come to this lifestyle.

And now with this blog, I find myself daily looking to see if Evergreen has responded! :) I don't know who she is, but I love to read her blog and hear her thoughts. Even today as I logged in and found the responses that tell me its ok, that I am not alone in my feelings - it made me smile and nod softly in agreement. So... whoever you are - Thank you for listening. *hugs* (and if I ever figure out how to respond I will! LOL!)

If it were the "old" days and the Internet wasn't here, not only would I have not met these people, I would not have found Druidry. There is plenty of Wicca around, why not Druidry? Why is it in the closet so much? But that is a rant for another day. :)

Tarot

I feel like I am not learning them fast enough. That my current methods are not working. I think I am going to try a new approach. Not sure of the logistics, but it is forming in my head. Although rather than a book and paper, it will involve my mind and the cards. I hope this connection will help us learn each other easier.

Currently, I feel I am going through the motions, but the meanings are not "sticking". So much so that I have contemplated leaving them and trying something new. But this was a major draw for me and helped lead me to this path... I will not quit. I will finish this journey.

Although maybe learning a second along side tarot might be fun.

And then I draw my daily card and it is the same as yesterday... it tells me slow and steady. So I draw a clarity card which tells me that the fruits of my labor will soon pay off big time.

Guess I will just stick to my Tarot right now. It's not the time for me to be adding more to my plate.

Stepping Into My New Life

Last night I completed my initiation. I am truly a Druid Candidate. I actually feel a little different... it's kind of weird.

The initiation went very well. It was calming... the candles, the incense burning, the imagery, the words, responses, and meanings. I had to chose a Deity to talk to. I guess I could have said God(ess) or whatever, but I wanted to talk to "someone". I chose Brighid. I have always felt a pull to her, so she is who I chose.

When it was done, I kept the SOP open and finally completed my blessing on my tarot, then I proceeded to pull a 20 card New Year spread. I am having to tailor some of it for myself (They have the New Year start in Jan, but I made it known that I was starting Nov 1).  I wrote the spread down with brief meanings. I am going to spend a few days pouring over the whole spread and meanings and figure out what it REALLY means to me.

Yesterday I also received my OBOD packet in the mail. Not sure if I want to complete their process along side this one. They are more written and study oriented, with specific items discussed and covered. But I am keeping an open mind and reviewing the material. I will not make a rush decision, and I will not close the door completely if that is my decision.
I am enjoying the AODA. It is my own personal journey. I am told "here is the path and there is the end, walk it at your pace and in whatever fashion you want so long as you arrive at the end some day."

On an aside, I want to mention that it is very intimidating not having a pagan background. I see all these people coming into the druid path and they have a string of paganism behind them in some form or another. I am learning from scratch. It is something I have wanted to do for years, but never had the nerve to say out loud to people "this is what I believe". And now that I have, I am reminded how much of a novice in all of this I am. There is no wicca, or fairie, or whatever in my background.
I try to remind myself that they all started somewhere too and that they don't look down on me for it... that this is a self-imposed feeling that I have. And that it is OK to ask the group questions that I am afraid they will find silly. It is just hard sometimes.
I wish my email for a mentor would have been answered... but Silverhawk is happily answering all my questions in group so that is good for now.
Remember A - you can do this.

Samhuinn - A New Year

Well... it is that day. The day I will complete my initiation and become and actual apprentice with AODA. To say I am nervous is an understatement, but I am confident it will all go well. I have not fully read the ceremony, because I want to be surprised at how it unfolds. If I was completing it with someone, they wouldn't sit me down and walk me through it beforehand, so I won't do that either.

I am trying to take my mind off the upcoming ceremony and remind myself what today is. The New Year. The day in which the circle of life begins again. How fitting in my mind that it is today. Last night was the night of the Dead. The night in which the veil between the other world and ours was at its thinnest. Today it begins to repair itself and strengthen itself for next year.

And in my house, the day after Halloween is spent taking down the Halloween decorations and decorating with the fall leaves. The beginning of the true holiday season with the family. My family has been talking for a few weeks already of what they can't wait to eat on Thanksgiving day. It doesn't matter that I roast a chicken and make homemade mashed potatoes all the time. Doesn't matter that the husband just finished an apple pie. It is the thought of having all the kids under one roof; having our parents here; everyone together eating and making merry. That is the true meaning of the holidays. And the beginning of this season is a perfect time to celebrate.

January 1 to me was never anything to celebrate. When I was younger, it was another opportunity to get drunk with friends. As I grew out of that phase, it was a time to allow the kids to stay up late and play games as a family and wait for the ball to drop. Now that the kids are older... I am usually in bed well before midnight and could care less about it all.

But this time of year... I always feel so energized about the upcoming holidays, the familial feeling I always get this time of year. It is an internal transformation that I have always felt, so it is only fitting to celebrate this transformation with a New Year celebration.